The Writing Spiral

Thoughtsome and Jetsam: Maybe our social circles only make us go round in....well.... circles

Jul 23, 2025

So, I thought of this concept initially with a primary focus on friendship groups, which we commonly refer to as our “Circles”. But is this the best way of thinking about our groups?

I would argue, no! I think “Spirals” may be a better term for our groups.

I would also argue that the language we choose to use has far more impact on our behaviours than we give credit for.

I do feel that we are not always best served by some language that we use.

Circles seem confining, like I’m being ring-fenced. Also, I don’t want to feel like I’m going around in circles.

Spirals don’t hold these connotations. They have movement, and they have dimensions that circles don’t have.

They can spiral up, and they can spiral down.

I want to be growing, advancing.

Maybe I need to be thinking of my groups as spirals.

I have Friendship Spirals and Work Spirals.

Heck, I’m a Spiral in my own right.

I’m a Spiral group of 1!

Right, I’ll stop saying spiral for a bit. Its making me dizzy.

But I think it would benefit us all if we looked at ourselves and our groups in this way.

Now, I clearly like to use metaphor. But to play devils advocate, the thought of a group as a circle with a clear boundary, does feel safer.

And maybe it is safer, but in a primitive kind of way. Like, we will all protect each other, no matter what.

That feels positive.

But it also feels like no one can leave.

I found this a lot with friendship groups at school. If I started hanging out, or even just briefly talking with others from outside the group, all hell would break loose.

I don’t need that nowadays.

Friendships and Work Groups

I want to be the best for my groups, and I want my groups to be the best for me. I don’t want to be in the same spot a year from now, and I don’t want my groups to be either. We should be promoting each other to catch more and more convection currents.

If given the choice why not be moving, progressing, flying higher.

Now, if a certain person in my social group became a film star or something, would they still be hanging out with me? I assume not, and I wouldn't take offense. They would have just spiralled upwards at a pace that I didn’t keep up with. And good on them.

They could take me with them of course, help me attain similar - if we were both willing. The circle analogy doesn’t offer that dimension.

And likewise, if I spiralled quickly downwards to find myself on skid row, would I expect my current group to be there with me? Drinking petrol behind the bins of Tesco? Of course I wouldn’t.

As I think of this from now on, it will prompt me to look more intentionally at my friends, my groups, my work colleagues, my relationships.

Myself.

What are my spirals with upward momentum? How can I preserve or accelerate them?

What are my spirals with downward momentum? Can I improve them?

Don’t get me wrong, I still have time for lots of people, but I will now allow myself just to be that little bit more intentional about my groups and how I view them.

And that’s ok.

To be honest, the best friends I have do not fit into the “circle” category. We generally have all spiralled away from each other. And when we meet every, 1, 3, 5 or even 10 years maybe, its like we slot straight back in. With our stories of distant lands, strange experiences, pain, love. We might not have spiralled in the same magnitude or directions, but we don’t care, we’re back in our group dynamic.

The groups I have belonged to with the more “circular” mentality just don’t seem to afford the members this luxury. If you’re out, you’re out!

My last partner, Lin, was from Honk Kong. I’m from the UK.

I love learning about other cultures. Not necessarily going to museums, or visiting a country for a short while, though that is good. But really I enjoy being immersed in peoples company, seeing their mannerisms, eating the same food, adhering to different customs, and, more interestingly, finding out the “why’s” of their behaviours.

And I find it is rare that I see fault, once I understand better.

Lin would say to me, “be more intentional with who you surround yourself with”, for example; don’t be in a pub, be in a gym. Not just because you are doing something better, but because you are forming groups with more upward habits.

I never used to see it that way. People were always just people, so I never gave it a second thought.

Apparently, I’m in the top 2% of extraverted people on the planet, which doesn’t always serve me well to be honest. It means I can be energised around practically anybody, so I would never think to pause and examine the company I keep. I’m mindful of this now, and I seek to reduce the negative by-products that extraversion can bring.

Lin also gave me insight into what people from Cantonese culture do when they get together, as friendship groups. They educate each other, build each other. From what I gathered there was a strong emphasis on finance - Financial Education:

“Such and such a bank is currently offering a great rate of interest”

“Lets pitch in money to buy this plot of land, we can build a carpark which can yield us £xxxx in profit per year”

“Its beneficial to have numerous bank accounts because of x, y and z”

And so on.

I never had those conversations with anyone in England.

Anyone!

I will start to be more intentional with my own friendship groups and work groups. And be more mindful of the Spiral!

Family and Relationships

I am not a relationship expert, and I do think a families, as well as life partner relationships, are special cases for the analogies I am playing with here.

I do feel a family should be an incredibly safe and stable unit. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be able to look at the family dynamic as one in which we can intentionally elevate each other.

I feel a family should be the best of both worlds; safety and growth, but in my personal opinion safety, security and stability should always come first for our family groups. I feel this is conventionally understood anyway.

Lin also spoke to me of the term “Family Education” which is used in Hong Kong. Which is the intentional way we are grown as a family. We in the UK say its ‘how we are brought up’, but I think Family Education is a much more powerful term for it. Those purposeful conversations over dinner for example, where stories are told and advice is shared. It is teaching, learning and sharing, not just passing the time.

It is creating upward convection, and addressing downward motions.

I guess what I am trying to highlight is the family unit being geared towards improvement is more intentional in some cultures, and I can only speak for the UK culture when I talk of not having the intentional mindset of Family Education.

Strange, just after I completed the draft of this piece, I read about the reason why we say it's rude to have elbows on the table. It's meant as a nod to people with their heads in their hands, not listening at the dinner table. Not taking in the Family Education!
I’m unsure if it is just me that has missed the connotations of this. Anyone else reading this from other cultures heard the phrase? If so, did you understand this as being the meaning?

It could also be said that a life partner relationship should have the safety of a circle too. Maybe, maybe it should settle into that in time - maybe? Of course there should be a strong bond.

But surely people want to grow together, and understanding a direction of travel is important. Also, it may be beneficial for couples to understand that the dynamic will not just be pure repetition.

In this way you are reinforcing in both people that you and your partner can change. That this is something to be mindful of. And so, to think of a relationship as a spiral may help ensure longevity. This has definitely caused me a slip up in the past!

Writing

I finding the act of writing in general, on and off this platform, gives me more upward momentum by cementing ideas more firmly within myself. And also helping me define myself as a creator in this online world.

I find that reading your essays on here allows me more self-criticism, to learn how to be better, and also gives me confidence to share ideas - to hit publish.

Also, the fact that I am now publishing means I think more when offline about what I want to write, and how I want to write.

This all adds more positively to this writing ~~circle~~ spiral that is Substack:

My Writing Spiral!

But I am always learning, and I’m sure people reading this have their own examples of how they operate in groups, intentionally or otherwise. I would love to hear them in the comments!

Thank you for reading!